stepping into someone else's shoes

today i took my first pt history.
There I sat in front of my 5 medical school colleagues and a clinical tutor while I felt my heart throbbing inside of me. I began wit hthe chief complaint on to history of present illness onto family history onto sexual history on to social history and and the interview ended.

i forgot to do the most important thing, which was to build rapport. A year ago, I entered medicine in order to listen to people's voices, in order to hear what they had to say instead of sift throuhg clinical mumbo jumbo, and here I was taking my first pt history and I forgot to make the pt feel comfortable, at ease or break the ice.

I knew as the interveiw progressed but technical aspects of the history were so ingrained in my head i forgot to be human. i seem to forget that often these days.

its like im often like a machine. that is cosntantly running and processing data..its like i cant ever stop to catch my breath or listen to my thoughts or feel what i am feeling.

i use to once be a feeling caring individual. that wasnt intersted in the science..that wasnt interested in the clinical mumbo jumbo..but has empahty been drained out of me? am i just another product of a medical school training doctors to be scientists and not healers.

i dont know the answer to this. perhaps, when i joined medical school i decided to sell my soul to the medical industry. what i thoguth was learning the art of healing sometiems feels like a big prison cell i cannot escape. i know that i have come here willingly but i dont know who i am turning into..

i use to care once..and i still do..but why have the sciences outweighed humanity...why have i become more attuned to pathology than the human existence..

where has my heart gone..is it still there? this year is giving me such cognitive dissonance..on one side we are being bombarded with all types of scietinfic and clinical knowledge to which most of the credits are distributed. we are expected to master these areas in order to one day become effective physicians..and a much much smaller amount of time and number of credits is given to actually learning how to listen or communucate with a patient..

but somtiems i think, isnt this why i enterd medicine? in order to be the person that does go the extra mile that gets to know the person isntead of trying to perform the most comprehensive and technically corest hisotry possible which i did..

honestly, i dont know who im turning into..and most of the time i dont even have time to figure it out..I should be working on my path notes but im tired today..my brain..my heart my being is tired..

i just hope i can become the type of physician i ought to be..the type of physician that does have a strong foundation in the sciences, but doenst let that rule their perecprctive because people are first and foremost human beings with feelings, emotiions, aspirations..

i cant change the way i took history this afternoon of an individual of whom i would like to divuldge no details in order to protect confidentiality. but next time i hope that i stop and evaualte myself and really reflect upon what type of physican i want to be.

perhaps now after a year of struggling i do have somewhat of a strong grasph of the material, but that doenst qualify me in any way to be a doctor..

i think thats wut scares me the the most is that i feel like im not ready..as if this is all happening is fast and its so overwhelming..and im not overwhelemd by the work but by the fact that next time htis yr i will be at a hosptial seeing pateitns..

i hope i dont dissappoint my professors in undergrad that so devoutly taught me to look at a person beyong their disesase, beyong their clinical manifestations..This is ironic really becasue before i saw this pt i went to a talk this morning about the inequality in health care..and i raised my hand to say that the strugle as fugture doctors is that so much focus ins put on the sciences that it becomes too easy to forget that yes there is a person begin all of this..medicine sucks the humanity out of you. it seems such a strange reality but it feels true. since i have entered meidicne i feel like i have become less caring, less invested.

i must not forget that the fundamental reason i entered medicine was to listen to the voices that are often left unheard..and i cant do that unless i actually listen to whath tye have to say..until i understand their story and see life from their perspective

because medicine is so much more about taking a history and making a diagnosis, its about building relationships that are meaniningful and significant and connecting on a deep level with another human being..

dear god,
let me be the type of doctor i ought to be. make me a good listener..make me an effective clinician and most important of all make me a kind, caring and compassionate healer. and until i am ready dont let me through because until i can provide the type of care i ought to be proving to pts i dont deserve to be a doctor.

surviving.

Dear All,
Sorry for being MIA so long! Med school can kind of do that to you but i had a strange inclination to blog tonight.

Firstly, let me say that I am happy that I chose to go to SGU. The professors are amazing, I feel like I am getting a top quality education, and I am confident that they are doing everything to prepare us to take the USMLEs. I am very happy with the faculty, staff, deans etc. So for everyone that is avoiding a carribean school like the plague, things arent as bad as they are potrayed to be. Also, there are A LOT of very brilliant people here that will probably kick your asses in class, so if you think that you will come in there and everyone will be stupid, that is not the case I assure you. =)

For those of you that dont know me,
I am currently in the keith b taylor program at sgu and am currently a class rep. So far, I really enjoy my classes, and the exposure to global health has been great in terms of presentations but our class is making efforts to increase actual clinical opportunities.

The best part of going the kbt vs the grenada program is because our program is smaller, we get more personalized attention- ie go see the dean of students, teachers, clinical tutors as frequently as you see fit. It is also great the faculty are very open to feedback and really present the information well..

Some of the personal drawbacks I have faced have nothing to do with the school itself but just the sheer amount of information.
I will be honest and admit the I failed two of the exams on the unifieds..(which are like the first set of quizzes worth 5% of your grade)

after working 2 yrs, and adjusting to life in the UK, I was stduying very hard but not effectively..so i quickly changed my strategy and was able to pass my midterms..

post midterms im feeling pretty good about the material!
my game plan is doing objectives for each lecture, in addition to a sumary page..

I am not not the point where I feel like I know the material the same day but I do feel doing objectives and summary orients me and I spend as much time as possible during the week in the lab (mostly 10-12 hrs) per week, which i wasnt doing as much pre the unified quiz but wthats wut really helps..

med school is emotionally and mentally draining..

emotionally because you can be workin at your 150% and still feel like u arent understanding everything..part of med school is being able to deal with failure and being able to rise from the sheer bottom..there will be people who you will feel like get everything as soon as they hear it like osmosis but we are all dealt our own cards..

as exciting living aborad is..im terribly homesick..i miss home and that also makes it hard..aslo bieng in a long distance relationship is difficult as well..

overall, med school is exciting, intense, draining and sometiems can be an emtoional rollercoaster..but I have faith in myself that i will survive this..and i know that i must constantly change and adapt..

i want to make a difference in someones life one day and every day towards that goal is worth it..

i will try to post an update after finals...im hoping my new strategy works as i feel strangely confident but i hope its not false hope..

best advice i could give to anyone going into med school: bad things will happen, the more you face these difficult times, the better you will be able to cope.

homesick

i talked to my mom on the phone today and suddenly tears began running down my face..its not even like anything is wrong..but its just that im so far from home..all by myself..and there really inst any one here..for me

i guess this is what medical school is all about finding yourself and learning to be by yourself..and i wont even say that i am overwhlemd because i am on top of everything i should be and need to be doing but its just has to do with the frustration of not reatining as much as i want to..especially after spending 6-7 hrs studying per day on weekdays

it makes me wonder hwat am i doing wrong? or am i doing anything wrong? i would say i ahve a 60-70% grasp of the infroamtion and even thoguh we are only a week in im just not happy with my progress thus far..perhaps my expectations of myself are too high..

but i just feel that i can do better..there must be a link im mising or soemthing i am not doing correctly..

now im just going to curl up in my bed..wishing i was home..but this is my dream and this is what i have always wanted..and everythin i am learning is so exciting but at the same time..i miss home..i miss my family..my bf..my firends..i just miss home..

a new place

its been over a week now since i came to newcastle..so many new people..new emotions and feelings..i think the best moment was perhaps the white coat ceremony. i odnt dont how many nights i have yearned to wear that white coat..and finally..finally after all these years it is coming true..my dreams are finally coming true.

newcastle is nice. the people are very friendly and it is not as expensive as i woas expecting it to0 be h0owever, the coversion from dollars to pounds still doenst help.
due to the ridiculous prices of meat i have decided to be mostly vegetarian unless i find some uber cheap meat..

classes begin monday..i am feeling so many things..

scared nervous excited all at the same time..i went to drop off kiran this morning and it was sad..a flood of tears overcame me as a dear piece of my heart was being torn from me..it made me realize that i am all alone in this big land..and even though the idea of the "UK" sounded exciting at first..it is also a lonely expreince..to fly halfway across the world from family and friends and loved ones..to make new friendships..

but its ok..thats what life is about..its about stretching ourself and experiencing new things..what i like is the feeling of liberation of freedom..of finally doing what i have wanted so long to be a physician..sometimes i feel like i dont even know if i deserve the honor or the privilege. but here i am

here are my goals for the next year:
1. work on my weaknesses academically and personally:
- some of my weaknesses include being overly sensitive, making careless mistakes, losing attention, and being quickly disheartned at the first sign of failure or obstacle.
i feel that the past two years have taught me tremendous things about who i am as a person. i beleive in myself and i belevie that i can rock medical school. i beleive that i am willing to tailor my studying and do whatever it takes to succeeed.

its nice that we have a "unified quiz" about 4 weeks into the term..this allows us to guage how our study is working..

next week plan to go introduce myself to all of the professors..and i also have an appointment with the lady at the educational services in order to make sure i have a strong start..

i am at the foothills of my dreams..with being a doctor..comes great responsibility..and im so excited that each day i will be learning somehting..that will help a pateint one day..it feels like finally my life has meaning..meaning i have been searching for so long..

thank you god for giving me this opportunuity i will not dissapoint you.

i plan to work hard and not let any obstacles burden me down. because i owe it to all people whose voices arent heard..who dont have access to health care..

thats all for now..

i will try to update again later.

tolerance.

it is so frustrating and disheartening to be an in an evironment that is intolerant and unjust. but as we know a lot of people have preconcieved notions about what certain people are like..perhaps this is based on fear or repeating bad experiences of a subset of people..but i refuse to beleive that people of any specific creed, gender, race, sexual orientation are "bad." The idea is not only ridiculous but it really makes me question humanity and makes me sick that we live in the world we live in.

Perhaps for some people, racism or religionism if such a word exists is based on their own set of experiences but we often find what we expect, if we expect that we will be treated in some unfair and unjust way unfortunately..most times than not..that is what the universe returns to us..and maybe our perceptions are based on some bad expreince we had..what is scary though about categorizing a whole group of people based on 1 bad experience or a hatred rooted in history is that we fail to recognize that each individual is more than just race..than gender..than sexual orientation..so when we base our hatred, dislike, or aversion for a certain person just because of their race or relgiion, we are asssumign that somehow that person is everything bad we had expereinced..and perhaps huamsn do this to protect themselves..but its disheartening to live in a world where before knowing a person..before talking to them..judgement is already made upon them based on their size, their color.

sleep eludes me.

once again sleep is nowhere to be found..im frantically packing..not even sure why since i still have 9 days left! i guess it feelsl ike packing is the only thing under my control..everything is happening so fast..so fast that i can see it happeneing..its like watching my life on fast foward and not being able to stop it or say where its gonna go..just a big decision..im taking the plunge..the actual plunge..with the big loan in hand..im going across seas..with the pursuit of one dream..i dont know where life will take me..but i know i can handle anything and everything that is thrown my way..but i am still fearful and scared for waht the future holds for me..

its is one thig to dream..and it is another thing for that dream to ocme true..i guess from now..usmle is my lifeline..i must rock that exam..i have absolutely no choice..that will soley decide my destiny..it will be ironic really..the way that mcat really played with my head and heart..usmle will make the playing field level..is the field really level though for everyone? gosh i will try not to go itno a rant about the medical educaiton sytem and the lack of opportunities within in but no matter how hard or treacherous the journey is..i will take responsbility and accountabliy for my decision..i am choosing this for myself..so no one but me will facwe the conseuqneces both psotiive and negative..life isnt a farilytale..things will go worng. but there wont be anyhing iwont be able to handle

here is the opporutnity that i show myself that ican truely suceed and i know i am living my lifes purpose..finally god has given me the opportunity to live my dreams..finally i am one step closer..so why am i so afriad?

i dont know..i just know that i cant sleep..a thousand thoughts racing in my hea..and im over a week out..

firstly god, thank you for this opportunity..for thingking me worthy enopugh to allow me to pursue the path of becoming a healer
secondly, i beleie and trust that aynthing and everything i face i can handle
thirdly, i want to commit my life to medicine to service the neediest populations..pls dont make my heart hard and rip the desire out of me to do good..

keep me grounded. protect me from the evils of capitalism and private practice in cushy offices..allow me to heal those whose voices arent heard..allow me to be the type of healer that really makes an imapct in epoples lives.rather than another rich doc with a house in the hamptons..i dont want the riches..just a modest life with the satisfaction of knwongi that my lifes work meant soemthing..

here i come to live my dreams. no force can deter me..nothing can stop me. i will and plan to rock this.

usmle i am ready to begin courting you..lets get started alreayd.

its 1.22 am and i have never felt more alive.

there is adrenaline running throuhg my veins..so pumped so excited..at the verge of my dreams becoming reality..here i am about to start medical school 13 days till my flight leaves..everthing feel surreal..so surreal..is this all realy happenng i wonder! my itneractiopn with everyoe in program has been amazing..everyone is super nice and friendly and i just find myself gelling iwth hteese ppl..and i know that its not roses and i will have to study so hard and spend so many ngiths crying cuz it will be so hard but to work evertday towards a dream i have wanted for so long..i am overwhelemd by emotion by happiness

thank you god for givibg me this opportunity to do such amazign things..thank you god for always being there..for being so wonderful..thank you..

i feel so blessed!