surviving.

Dear All,
Sorry for being MIA so long! Med school can kind of do that to you but i had a strange inclination to blog tonight.

Firstly, let me say that I am happy that I chose to go to SGU. The professors are amazing, I feel like I am getting a top quality education, and I am confident that they are doing everything to prepare us to take the USMLEs. I am very happy with the faculty, staff, deans etc. So for everyone that is avoiding a carribean school like the plague, things arent as bad as they are potrayed to be. Also, there are A LOT of very brilliant people here that will probably kick your asses in class, so if you think that you will come in there and everyone will be stupid, that is not the case I assure you. =)

For those of you that dont know me,
I am currently in the keith b taylor program at sgu and am currently a class rep. So far, I really enjoy my classes, and the exposure to global health has been great in terms of presentations but our class is making efforts to increase actual clinical opportunities.

The best part of going the kbt vs the grenada program is because our program is smaller, we get more personalized attention- ie go see the dean of students, teachers, clinical tutors as frequently as you see fit. It is also great the faculty are very open to feedback and really present the information well..

Some of the personal drawbacks I have faced have nothing to do with the school itself but just the sheer amount of information.
I will be honest and admit the I failed two of the exams on the unifieds..(which are like the first set of quizzes worth 5% of your grade)

after working 2 yrs, and adjusting to life in the UK, I was stduying very hard but not effectively..so i quickly changed my strategy and was able to pass my midterms..

post midterms im feeling pretty good about the material!
my game plan is doing objectives for each lecture, in addition to a sumary page..

I am not not the point where I feel like I know the material the same day but I do feel doing objectives and summary orients me and I spend as much time as possible during the week in the lab (mostly 10-12 hrs) per week, which i wasnt doing as much pre the unified quiz but wthats wut really helps..

med school is emotionally and mentally draining..

emotionally because you can be workin at your 150% and still feel like u arent understanding everything..part of med school is being able to deal with failure and being able to rise from the sheer bottom..there will be people who you will feel like get everything as soon as they hear it like osmosis but we are all dealt our own cards..

as exciting living aborad is..im terribly homesick..i miss home and that also makes it hard..aslo bieng in a long distance relationship is difficult as well..

overall, med school is exciting, intense, draining and sometiems can be an emtoional rollercoaster..but I have faith in myself that i will survive this..and i know that i must constantly change and adapt..

i want to make a difference in someones life one day and every day towards that goal is worth it..

i will try to post an update after finals...im hoping my new strategy works as i feel strangely confident but i hope its not false hope..

best advice i could give to anyone going into med school: bad things will happen, the more you face these difficult times, the better you will be able to cope.

homesick

i talked to my mom on the phone today and suddenly tears began running down my face..its not even like anything is wrong..but its just that im so far from home..all by myself..and there really inst any one here..for me

i guess this is what medical school is all about finding yourself and learning to be by yourself..and i wont even say that i am overwhlemd because i am on top of everything i should be and need to be doing but its just has to do with the frustration of not reatining as much as i want to..especially after spending 6-7 hrs studying per day on weekdays

it makes me wonder hwat am i doing wrong? or am i doing anything wrong? i would say i ahve a 60-70% grasp of the infroamtion and even thoguh we are only a week in im just not happy with my progress thus far..perhaps my expectations of myself are too high..

but i just feel that i can do better..there must be a link im mising or soemthing i am not doing correctly..

now im just going to curl up in my bed..wishing i was home..but this is my dream and this is what i have always wanted..and everythin i am learning is so exciting but at the same time..i miss home..i miss my family..my bf..my firends..i just miss home..

a new place

its been over a week now since i came to newcastle..so many new people..new emotions and feelings..i think the best moment was perhaps the white coat ceremony. i odnt dont how many nights i have yearned to wear that white coat..and finally..finally after all these years it is coming true..my dreams are finally coming true.

newcastle is nice. the people are very friendly and it is not as expensive as i woas expecting it to0 be h0owever, the coversion from dollars to pounds still doenst help.
due to the ridiculous prices of meat i have decided to be mostly vegetarian unless i find some uber cheap meat..

classes begin monday..i am feeling so many things..

scared nervous excited all at the same time..i went to drop off kiran this morning and it was sad..a flood of tears overcame me as a dear piece of my heart was being torn from me..it made me realize that i am all alone in this big land..and even though the idea of the "UK" sounded exciting at first..it is also a lonely expreince..to fly halfway across the world from family and friends and loved ones..to make new friendships..

but its ok..thats what life is about..its about stretching ourself and experiencing new things..what i like is the feeling of liberation of freedom..of finally doing what i have wanted so long to be a physician..sometimes i feel like i dont even know if i deserve the honor or the privilege. but here i am

here are my goals for the next year:
1. work on my weaknesses academically and personally:
- some of my weaknesses include being overly sensitive, making careless mistakes, losing attention, and being quickly disheartned at the first sign of failure or obstacle.
i feel that the past two years have taught me tremendous things about who i am as a person. i beleive in myself and i belevie that i can rock medical school. i beleive that i am willing to tailor my studying and do whatever it takes to succeeed.

its nice that we have a "unified quiz" about 4 weeks into the term..this allows us to guage how our study is working..

next week plan to go introduce myself to all of the professors..and i also have an appointment with the lady at the educational services in order to make sure i have a strong start..

i am at the foothills of my dreams..with being a doctor..comes great responsibility..and im so excited that each day i will be learning somehting..that will help a pateint one day..it feels like finally my life has meaning..meaning i have been searching for so long..

thank you god for giving me this opportunuity i will not dissapoint you.

i plan to work hard and not let any obstacles burden me down. because i owe it to all people whose voices arent heard..who dont have access to health care..

thats all for now..

i will try to update again later.

tolerance.

it is so frustrating and disheartening to be an in an evironment that is intolerant and unjust. but as we know a lot of people have preconcieved notions about what certain people are like..perhaps this is based on fear or repeating bad experiences of a subset of people..but i refuse to beleive that people of any specific creed, gender, race, sexual orientation are "bad." The idea is not only ridiculous but it really makes me question humanity and makes me sick that we live in the world we live in.

Perhaps for some people, racism or religionism if such a word exists is based on their own set of experiences but we often find what we expect, if we expect that we will be treated in some unfair and unjust way unfortunately..most times than not..that is what the universe returns to us..and maybe our perceptions are based on some bad expreince we had..what is scary though about categorizing a whole group of people based on 1 bad experience or a hatred rooted in history is that we fail to recognize that each individual is more than just race..than gender..than sexual orientation..so when we base our hatred, dislike, or aversion for a certain person just because of their race or relgiion, we are asssumign that somehow that person is everything bad we had expereinced..and perhaps huamsn do this to protect themselves..but its disheartening to live in a world where before knowing a person..before talking to them..judgement is already made upon them based on their size, their color.

sleep eludes me.

once again sleep is nowhere to be found..im frantically packing..not even sure why since i still have 9 days left! i guess it feelsl ike packing is the only thing under my control..everything is happening so fast..so fast that i can see it happeneing..its like watching my life on fast foward and not being able to stop it or say where its gonna go..just a big decision..im taking the plunge..the actual plunge..with the big loan in hand..im going across seas..with the pursuit of one dream..i dont know where life will take me..but i know i can handle anything and everything that is thrown my way..but i am still fearful and scared for waht the future holds for me..

its is one thig to dream..and it is another thing for that dream to ocme true..i guess from now..usmle is my lifeline..i must rock that exam..i have absolutely no choice..that will soley decide my destiny..it will be ironic really..the way that mcat really played with my head and heart..usmle will make the playing field level..is the field really level though for everyone? gosh i will try not to go itno a rant about the medical educaiton sytem and the lack of opportunities within in but no matter how hard or treacherous the journey is..i will take responsbility and accountabliy for my decision..i am choosing this for myself..so no one but me will facwe the conseuqneces both psotiive and negative..life isnt a farilytale..things will go worng. but there wont be anyhing iwont be able to handle

here is the opporutnity that i show myself that ican truely suceed and i know i am living my lifes purpose..finally god has given me the opportunity to live my dreams..finally i am one step closer..so why am i so afriad?

i dont know..i just know that i cant sleep..a thousand thoughts racing in my hea..and im over a week out..

firstly god, thank you for this opportunity..for thingking me worthy enopugh to allow me to pursue the path of becoming a healer
secondly, i beleie and trust that aynthing and everything i face i can handle
thirdly, i want to commit my life to medicine to service the neediest populations..pls dont make my heart hard and rip the desire out of me to do good..

keep me grounded. protect me from the evils of capitalism and private practice in cushy offices..allow me to heal those whose voices arent heard..allow me to be the type of healer that really makes an imapct in epoples lives.rather than another rich doc with a house in the hamptons..i dont want the riches..just a modest life with the satisfaction of knwongi that my lifes work meant soemthing..

here i come to live my dreams. no force can deter me..nothing can stop me. i will and plan to rock this.

usmle i am ready to begin courting you..lets get started alreayd.

its 1.22 am and i have never felt more alive.

there is adrenaline running throuhg my veins..so pumped so excited..at the verge of my dreams becoming reality..here i am about to start medical school 13 days till my flight leaves..everthing feel surreal..so surreal..is this all realy happenng i wonder! my itneractiopn with everyoe in program has been amazing..everyone is super nice and friendly and i just find myself gelling iwth hteese ppl..and i know that its not roses and i will have to study so hard and spend so many ngiths crying cuz it will be so hard but to work evertday towards a dream i have wanted for so long..i am overwhelemd by emotion by happiness

thank you god for givibg me this opportunity to do such amazign things..thank you god for always being there..for being so wonderful..thank you..

i feel so blessed!

Facing Past Demons.

Im very tired..my eyes are closing but I feel compelled to write a post..as if the computer screen is slowly urging me to write..to let out what I have inside my mind..to spill my brains as I rest my eyes close them..my weary eyes..so many thoughts and feelings rush thprugh my head..so much dout..so much fear..questions like will I be good enough..will I be strong enough..will I be able to cope..what if I don’t get a residency..what if I dotn succeed..what if I will always be perceived as second class doctor..perhaps these are all valid risks and maybe I am searching for an answer or a sign that yes this is the right decision for you and that you are not being a coward or giving up or taking hyhe easy way out..will I be constantly ridiculed for going to am offsore med school? Perhaps..but arentl we all ridiculed for one reasons or another..we are always not good enough for someone..not smart enough..not rich eolugh..not thin enough..not beautiful enough..but in all of these doubts I fail to realize that I must believe in ymsefl..this is what I have been missing in so long..i am able to pump people hope and inspire them to become great and do great things..however..i suffer from the same crippling insceruites as they do..except I don’t take my own advice..sso here I am fascing my greatest deepest darkest fears
Yes is there a possibility that I will miserably fai? Perhaps but this doesn’t mean that I will give up and will somehow try again…life isn’t about winning all the time..its not even about wiining smetiems..its more about learning to deal with the crappy cards that life dealts to u..we may not be able to change our cards but we can respond to how we react to them..
So going into this journey, I am uncertain about what the future holds but I am certain that wahtehver is ahead of me I can handle and I will tackle..i will overcome and I will succeed.
I have ot come this far to give up..because medicine isn’t a dream..or fantasy land it is my reality…and perhaps I will only become a doctor after my fragile self concept is shattered into pieces but its about time that situations compel me and force me to vecome a stronger person..
Its about time that I learn to deal with the fact that people may think im a subpar doctor because I didn’t go to a US school but the type of doctor I am is defined by my work ethic, my clicinal skills and what my pateitns thing of me..
The problem is most people don’t know and base opinions and judgements on previousy stereotypes..but if I bvleelvie in myself there is no doubt I will succeed..

Its kind of like If someone calls a red wall white, will the wall not be red nemore? What if a majority of people call the red wall white? Will it make you question ur initial judgemnet? Would u bet your life on it? And that’s the thing..the red wall will always be red..and the moment u questioning its redness that’s when doubt creeps in..
I know that I have the potential to do great things in my life but I also have the potential to be self destructive and weigh myself down will all the self doubt and constant back and forthing..if I have one foot on two different boats..as the winds pick up I am bound to fall..so I am ready to leave my old boat behind..the one where I wanted to go to a US school and tried..and I step into a new boat..a place where I am given the opportunity to study medidcine..yes there is stigma..yes it will be more difficult to come back into the country..but im willing to take those chances..because the type of belief I have developed n myself post mcats will really see me hrough in med school I know the pitfalls not to fall into..i know im a hard worker..my heart and mind are in the right places.. I must fight..i must be strong..there is nothing to fear because there is nothing life will throw at me that I cannot handle. A toast for new beginnings for facing past demons and extinguishing self doubt..i know you will return again, but I shall vanquish you time and time again..because there is no room for doubt when I know the wall is red..when I know that I have what it takes to be not only a doctor..but a caring compassionate effective doctor..and for all those carib med school haters…I will prove it to you by succeeding and crushing the boards..you will see.

Happy Girl: HG

after much drama and tears i am happy to report that i received my visa to the UK. I am so excited..getting the visa makes it official! i cant believe I am actually gonig to medical school its like all of my dreams for so many years are coming true..its nice to know that i am starting classes this fall vs. an indefinite future date..

life has a funny way of working out and i think that in the end of the everything does work out for the best

i am feeling so many things at once..im scared..im excited..im petrified and delighted..

i leave in less than a month i booked my flight for 5 august one way baby

im ready for a fresh start and quite frankly as dorky as this is going to sound i am ready for a new beginning to study
i do enjoy studying and maybe this is massocistic of me but i really do..

thank you god for giving me this wonderful opportunity..

and i love that fact that i will be studying medicine in 3 different countries and will be with amazing people..already everyone i have been in touch with from school seem so nice and amazing and worldly.

im ready to face new challenges head on and make new friends

i am ready =)

to new beginnings

so many thoughts are rushing to my head..where do i begin..where do i start..first there is getting the visa..i scheduled an appt with the visa office for tueday. im crossing my fingers and hoping i get it!
second is the packing..

things done:
1. moved out of my own place
2. gotten visa papers ready
things to do:
long list..

all i can say is im very excited nervous and scared all at the same time!! =)

its 5.55 am and im thinking..

we dont know what life holds for us, what will happen tommorow or even later today but all we can control is our reaction to it. we must stand up for what we believe in...our values and our principles no matter how small. i dont know exactly what the next decade of my life will hold but i do know that i intend to work hard and really give it my best shot..

i am so ready to leave though..the month that i have left seems a month too long even though i am desperately clinging on it to in order to process my visa and other logisitical stuff but a part of me is yearning to be free and spread my wings..

perhaps going abroad gives me the perfect opportunity to do that..

Letter to My Future Self

Dear Future Self,
I know that right now you are feeling lost, confused, and dazed. Like the walls are caving all over you and the career path you once loved and cherished somehow is making you miserable and maybe you even are thinking of or wanting to quit because you have had not any sleep for the past how many ever days and your mind just seems slower and you are just tired. But rest assured that your dream is worth it. You came into medicine for a reason and think of all of the sacrifices you have made to get to this point. I know no one said it would be easy but no one also told you how hard it would be. Maybe you feel like you have no one to talk to, no one that understands how you really feel. However, I know you and have known you for a long time now and know with certainty and conviction that you have wanted to become a physician for a long time and not because it sounded nice or because your parents forced you into it but because you wanted to make a positive impact in the world, you wanted to be a healer.
Everyone can quit, but the people that hang on tighter and face the challenges head on are the ones that are victorious. So whatever you are going through right now, whether that be a difficult exam, a horrible attending, berating comments about going to a carribean medical school, let it not get to you. Because the only thing that matters is what you think of yourself and how much you can handle.
You have already made so many sacrifices for medicine, moving halfway across the world to study it, being in a large debt, emotionally and mentally investing in it so many year.
Remember that nothing in life you really want comes easy and all of your hardships are worth it if you improve someone’s quality of life.
Please do not become bitter and resentful. I know that the current health care system both in the US as well as other parts in the world can be frustrating with its red tape, malpractice insurance or just the fact that everything is based on a business model than patients.
I know the material at times is too much to handle and your brain feels like mush but whenever you feel like you are overwhelmed and can’t handle anymore, just be patient with yourself and all will be well, I guarantee it.
I know you and what you have wanted for so long so don’t let anyone or anything deter you from your dream.

Always remember, the reason you went into medicine is to address the needs of those people whose voices are often left unheard and provide care for those who do not have access to it.
I know that your heart is true and your intentions are pure but sometimes you tend to be overly critical of yourself and you have a very fragile self concept. These are things you need to work on because there will always be someone putting you down or something that won’t work out.
Life doesn’t come in neatly carved chocolate pieces, but it’s more like the box of chocolates that has been lying in the sun and is melted. So it gets messy, sticky and all over. But that’s ok. It will all be ok.
Don’t freak out and panic as you sometimes have a tendency to do both, this too shall pass but each day work harder try harder and even when you feel like you can’t go anymore hang in there.
I believe in you.
Sincerely,
Your Present Self who has not yet been disillusioned by the challenges of a life of a medical student