Facing Past Demons.

Im very tired..my eyes are closing but I feel compelled to write a post..as if the computer screen is slowly urging me to write..to let out what I have inside my mind..to spill my brains as I rest my eyes close them..my weary eyes..so many thoughts and feelings rush thprugh my head..so much dout..so much fear..questions like will I be good enough..will I be strong enough..will I be able to cope..what if I don’t get a residency..what if I dotn succeed..what if I will always be perceived as second class doctor..perhaps these are all valid risks and maybe I am searching for an answer or a sign that yes this is the right decision for you and that you are not being a coward or giving up or taking hyhe easy way out..will I be constantly ridiculed for going to am offsore med school? Perhaps..but arentl we all ridiculed for one reasons or another..we are always not good enough for someone..not smart enough..not rich eolugh..not thin enough..not beautiful enough..but in all of these doubts I fail to realize that I must believe in ymsefl..this is what I have been missing in so long..i am able to pump people hope and inspire them to become great and do great things..however..i suffer from the same crippling insceruites as they do..except I don’t take my own advice..sso here I am fascing my greatest deepest darkest fears
Yes is there a possibility that I will miserably fai? Perhaps but this doesn’t mean that I will give up and will somehow try again…life isn’t about winning all the time..its not even about wiining smetiems..its more about learning to deal with the crappy cards that life dealts to u..we may not be able to change our cards but we can respond to how we react to them..
So going into this journey, I am uncertain about what the future holds but I am certain that wahtehver is ahead of me I can handle and I will tackle..i will overcome and I will succeed.
I have ot come this far to give up..because medicine isn’t a dream..or fantasy land it is my reality…and perhaps I will only become a doctor after my fragile self concept is shattered into pieces but its about time that situations compel me and force me to vecome a stronger person..
Its about time that I learn to deal with the fact that people may think im a subpar doctor because I didn’t go to a US school but the type of doctor I am is defined by my work ethic, my clicinal skills and what my pateitns thing of me..
The problem is most people don’t know and base opinions and judgements on previousy stereotypes..but if I bvleelvie in myself there is no doubt I will succeed..

Its kind of like If someone calls a red wall white, will the wall not be red nemore? What if a majority of people call the red wall white? Will it make you question ur initial judgemnet? Would u bet your life on it? And that’s the thing..the red wall will always be red..and the moment u questioning its redness that’s when doubt creeps in..
I know that I have the potential to do great things in my life but I also have the potential to be self destructive and weigh myself down will all the self doubt and constant back and forthing..if I have one foot on two different boats..as the winds pick up I am bound to fall..so I am ready to leave my old boat behind..the one where I wanted to go to a US school and tried..and I step into a new boat..a place where I am given the opportunity to study medidcine..yes there is stigma..yes it will be more difficult to come back into the country..but im willing to take those chances..because the type of belief I have developed n myself post mcats will really see me hrough in med school I know the pitfalls not to fall into..i know im a hard worker..my heart and mind are in the right places.. I must fight..i must be strong..there is nothing to fear because there is nothing life will throw at me that I cannot handle. A toast for new beginnings for facing past demons and extinguishing self doubt..i know you will return again, but I shall vanquish you time and time again..because there is no room for doubt when I know the wall is red..when I know that I have what it takes to be not only a doctor..but a caring compassionate effective doctor..and for all those carib med school haters…I will prove it to you by succeeding and crushing the boards..you will see.