tolerance.

it is so frustrating and disheartening to be an in an evironment that is intolerant and unjust. but as we know a lot of people have preconcieved notions about what certain people are like..perhaps this is based on fear or repeating bad experiences of a subset of people..but i refuse to beleive that people of any specific creed, gender, race, sexual orientation are "bad." The idea is not only ridiculous but it really makes me question humanity and makes me sick that we live in the world we live in.

Perhaps for some people, racism or religionism if such a word exists is based on their own set of experiences but we often find what we expect, if we expect that we will be treated in some unfair and unjust way unfortunately..most times than not..that is what the universe returns to us..and maybe our perceptions are based on some bad expreince we had..what is scary though about categorizing a whole group of people based on 1 bad experience or a hatred rooted in history is that we fail to recognize that each individual is more than just race..than gender..than sexual orientation..so when we base our hatred, dislike, or aversion for a certain person just because of their race or relgiion, we are asssumign that somehow that person is everything bad we had expereinced..and perhaps huamsn do this to protect themselves..but its disheartening to live in a world where before knowing a person..before talking to them..judgement is already made upon them based on their size, their color.

sleep eludes me.

once again sleep is nowhere to be found..im frantically packing..not even sure why since i still have 9 days left! i guess it feelsl ike packing is the only thing under my control..everything is happening so fast..so fast that i can see it happeneing..its like watching my life on fast foward and not being able to stop it or say where its gonna go..just a big decision..im taking the plunge..the actual plunge..with the big loan in hand..im going across seas..with the pursuit of one dream..i dont know where life will take me..but i know i can handle anything and everything that is thrown my way..but i am still fearful and scared for waht the future holds for me..

its is one thig to dream..and it is another thing for that dream to ocme true..i guess from now..usmle is my lifeline..i must rock that exam..i have absolutely no choice..that will soley decide my destiny..it will be ironic really..the way that mcat really played with my head and heart..usmle will make the playing field level..is the field really level though for everyone? gosh i will try not to go itno a rant about the medical educaiton sytem and the lack of opportunities within in but no matter how hard or treacherous the journey is..i will take responsbility and accountabliy for my decision..i am choosing this for myself..so no one but me will facwe the conseuqneces both psotiive and negative..life isnt a farilytale..things will go worng. but there wont be anyhing iwont be able to handle

here is the opporutnity that i show myself that ican truely suceed and i know i am living my lifes purpose..finally god has given me the opportunity to live my dreams..finally i am one step closer..so why am i so afriad?

i dont know..i just know that i cant sleep..a thousand thoughts racing in my hea..and im over a week out..

firstly god, thank you for this opportunity..for thingking me worthy enopugh to allow me to pursue the path of becoming a healer
secondly, i beleie and trust that aynthing and everything i face i can handle
thirdly, i want to commit my life to medicine to service the neediest populations..pls dont make my heart hard and rip the desire out of me to do good..

keep me grounded. protect me from the evils of capitalism and private practice in cushy offices..allow me to heal those whose voices arent heard..allow me to be the type of healer that really makes an imapct in epoples lives.rather than another rich doc with a house in the hamptons..i dont want the riches..just a modest life with the satisfaction of knwongi that my lifes work meant soemthing..

here i come to live my dreams. no force can deter me..nothing can stop me. i will and plan to rock this.

usmle i am ready to begin courting you..lets get started alreayd.

its 1.22 am and i have never felt more alive.

there is adrenaline running throuhg my veins..so pumped so excited..at the verge of my dreams becoming reality..here i am about to start medical school 13 days till my flight leaves..everthing feel surreal..so surreal..is this all realy happenng i wonder! my itneractiopn with everyoe in program has been amazing..everyone is super nice and friendly and i just find myself gelling iwth hteese ppl..and i know that its not roses and i will have to study so hard and spend so many ngiths crying cuz it will be so hard but to work evertday towards a dream i have wanted for so long..i am overwhelemd by emotion by happiness

thank you god for givibg me this opportunity to do such amazign things..thank you god for always being there..for being so wonderful..thank you..

i feel so blessed!

Facing Past Demons.

Im very tired..my eyes are closing but I feel compelled to write a post..as if the computer screen is slowly urging me to write..to let out what I have inside my mind..to spill my brains as I rest my eyes close them..my weary eyes..so many thoughts and feelings rush thprugh my head..so much dout..so much fear..questions like will I be good enough..will I be strong enough..will I be able to cope..what if I don’t get a residency..what if I dotn succeed..what if I will always be perceived as second class doctor..perhaps these are all valid risks and maybe I am searching for an answer or a sign that yes this is the right decision for you and that you are not being a coward or giving up or taking hyhe easy way out..will I be constantly ridiculed for going to am offsore med school? Perhaps..but arentl we all ridiculed for one reasons or another..we are always not good enough for someone..not smart enough..not rich eolugh..not thin enough..not beautiful enough..but in all of these doubts I fail to realize that I must believe in ymsefl..this is what I have been missing in so long..i am able to pump people hope and inspire them to become great and do great things..however..i suffer from the same crippling insceruites as they do..except I don’t take my own advice..sso here I am fascing my greatest deepest darkest fears
Yes is there a possibility that I will miserably fai? Perhaps but this doesn’t mean that I will give up and will somehow try again…life isn’t about winning all the time..its not even about wiining smetiems..its more about learning to deal with the crappy cards that life dealts to u..we may not be able to change our cards but we can respond to how we react to them..
So going into this journey, I am uncertain about what the future holds but I am certain that wahtehver is ahead of me I can handle and I will tackle..i will overcome and I will succeed.
I have ot come this far to give up..because medicine isn’t a dream..or fantasy land it is my reality…and perhaps I will only become a doctor after my fragile self concept is shattered into pieces but its about time that situations compel me and force me to vecome a stronger person..
Its about time that I learn to deal with the fact that people may think im a subpar doctor because I didn’t go to a US school but the type of doctor I am is defined by my work ethic, my clicinal skills and what my pateitns thing of me..
The problem is most people don’t know and base opinions and judgements on previousy stereotypes..but if I bvleelvie in myself there is no doubt I will succeed..

Its kind of like If someone calls a red wall white, will the wall not be red nemore? What if a majority of people call the red wall white? Will it make you question ur initial judgemnet? Would u bet your life on it? And that’s the thing..the red wall will always be red..and the moment u questioning its redness that’s when doubt creeps in..
I know that I have the potential to do great things in my life but I also have the potential to be self destructive and weigh myself down will all the self doubt and constant back and forthing..if I have one foot on two different boats..as the winds pick up I am bound to fall..so I am ready to leave my old boat behind..the one where I wanted to go to a US school and tried..and I step into a new boat..a place where I am given the opportunity to study medidcine..yes there is stigma..yes it will be more difficult to come back into the country..but im willing to take those chances..because the type of belief I have developed n myself post mcats will really see me hrough in med school I know the pitfalls not to fall into..i know im a hard worker..my heart and mind are in the right places.. I must fight..i must be strong..there is nothing to fear because there is nothing life will throw at me that I cannot handle. A toast for new beginnings for facing past demons and extinguishing self doubt..i know you will return again, but I shall vanquish you time and time again..because there is no room for doubt when I know the wall is red..when I know that I have what it takes to be not only a doctor..but a caring compassionate effective doctor..and for all those carib med school haters…I will prove it to you by succeeding and crushing the boards..you will see.

Happy Girl: HG

after much drama and tears i am happy to report that i received my visa to the UK. I am so excited..getting the visa makes it official! i cant believe I am actually gonig to medical school its like all of my dreams for so many years are coming true..its nice to know that i am starting classes this fall vs. an indefinite future date..

life has a funny way of working out and i think that in the end of the everything does work out for the best

i am feeling so many things at once..im scared..im excited..im petrified and delighted..

i leave in less than a month i booked my flight for 5 august one way baby

im ready for a fresh start and quite frankly as dorky as this is going to sound i am ready for a new beginning to study
i do enjoy studying and maybe this is massocistic of me but i really do..

thank you god for giving me this wonderful opportunity..

and i love that fact that i will be studying medicine in 3 different countries and will be with amazing people..already everyone i have been in touch with from school seem so nice and amazing and worldly.

im ready to face new challenges head on and make new friends

i am ready =)

to new beginnings

so many thoughts are rushing to my head..where do i begin..where do i start..first there is getting the visa..i scheduled an appt with the visa office for tueday. im crossing my fingers and hoping i get it!
second is the packing..

things done:
1. moved out of my own place
2. gotten visa papers ready
things to do:
long list..

all i can say is im very excited nervous and scared all at the same time!! =)